My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
