So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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