I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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