I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How does one acquire holy water?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
