im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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