so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
