How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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