saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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