I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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