somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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