Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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