speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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