So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
