Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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