fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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