bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
