Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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