my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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