Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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