Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
