FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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