it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
