my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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