I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
