i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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