I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
