im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
