dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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