It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
