Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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