weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize