it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
