This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
