and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize