Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
