Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
