and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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