My room smells like vodka and shame
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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