one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
