I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
