You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
