I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
