if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm always down for nudity.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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