my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
