I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
