A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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