She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
