in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is Oprah even human
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
