I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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