Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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