Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
