I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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