If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
