JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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