I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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