I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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