If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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