6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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