Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
